Communication-or lack thereof

At points in our married life we will all go  through  periods of time where we one or both are under a lot of stress.  This can cause us to be short with each other, this has happened in our marriage several times, one time in particular I rememeber…I said something that was not very loving or gentle…then Dick came out with something that hurt my feelings.  Now trying not to cause a big argument,  I engulfed those hurtful words and thought about them, held them close and nursed them like a newborn baby—I would feed them in my mind and then watch the resentment in my heart grow until God pointed out my sin.  So, after some time passed when some other issues arose ,I  tried a different approach.

 I sat down, kept my personal feelings aside & discussed why I thought we were communicating poorly.   WOW…what a difference a kind word will make.  Proverbs (15:1) tells us “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Harsh words are like stabbing someone with a knife.  One stab makes you bleed a little, but several, continual stabs will eventually make you bleed to death. So, the next time you feel that “tension before the argument”- try taking a different approach…step back, take a deep breath & look for a soft gentle answer.  Remember,

 “The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matthew 12:34).  If God fills my heart then gentle, loving answers & words will fill my mouth.

One of the most important ways to love our husbands is to learn how to communicate & fight clean.  Good marriages get better when a couple grows and changes from their arguments.  When that happens you aren’t always arguing over the same old set of circumstances every time. When resolving conflict, try working on:

  •  Using kindness & gentleness
  • Apologizing FIRST
  • Forgiving
  • Using tact

 Listen to this cute story of a husband who is learning how to use tact.  It comes form a book by Michael LeBoeuf titled “How to Win Customers & Keep Them for Life” (pg.100 of The Tardy Oxcart by Chuck Swindoll):

 “Tact is one of the lost arts of the 20th century, isn’t it?  I heard about a man who lacked tact.  He was the type person who just couldn’t say it graciously.  He & his wife owned a poodle.  They loved this dog.  It was the object of their affection.  The wife was to take a trip abroad & the 1st day away she made it to New York.  She called home & asked her husband, “How are things?”  He said, “The dog’s dead!”  She was devastated.  After collecting her thoughts, she asked, “Why do you do that?  Why can’t you be more tactful?” He said, “Well, what do you want me to say? The dog died.”  She said, “Well you could give it to me in stages.  For example, you could say when I call you from New York, ‘The dog is on the roof.’  And then when I travel to London the next day & call, you could tell me, ‘Honey, the dog fell off the roof.’  And when I call you from Paris, you could add, ‘The dog had to be taken to the vet.  In fact he is in the hospital and is not doing well.’  And finally, when I call you from Rome, ‘Honey, brace yourself.  Our dog died.’  I could handle that.”The husband paused & said, “Oh, I see.”  The she asked, “By the way, how is mother?”  And he said, “She’s on the roof!”

 Get the idea?  Good Communication takes practice throughout your marriage; it is something you will always work on…by the way, remember when I said I tried to put my personal feelings aside & communicate in a Godly style?  Do you know that made such an impact on my husband that he brought it up everyday for almost a full week & thanked me for trying so hard to help us communicate with out arguing?  Poor communication certainly is an irritant that ticks off our husbands.

What Ticks Him Off?

As we discussed earlier, the better student you are of your husband the easier it is to avoid the things which upset him.  You might even feel like the Peanuts cartoon where Lucy looks at Snoopy & says, “There are times when you really bug me, but I must admit there are also a lot of times when I feel like giving you a big hug.”  Snoopy replies:  More

Faithfulness and Respect

Think back on your wedding day, the dress, the excitement, the flowers, the music, the family and friends.  Wonderful memories flood my mind when I take that walk in my memory.  I so remember the sunlight coming in the stained glass while I repeated my vows. Little did I realize when I innocently stood at the altar and repeated (insert your names):

I Virginia take you Dick to be my wedded husband…” that I was actually making a covenant with God; not a contract with man.  A contract can be broken, but a covenant is made with God and is intended for life.  What you and I actually promised to do when we made that covenant was to be Faithful and to : More

Submission and Tranquility

Submission is a topic that is so misunderstood in the Christian as well as non-Christian world.  It’s intimidating to think of someone having authority over us, but we all do.  In all areas of life there is authority that rules us.  On the other hand, submission to the proper authority is often a freeing thing.  God has called our husband’s to More

WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND TICK?

In our entry hall we have a grandfather clock that we love.  Dick and I purchased it for Valentine’s Day over 30 years ago.  For the most part we don’t have any problems with the clock…but a couple of times over the years we have had to take it to a ‘clock expert’ to work on the heart and soul of the clock.  Usually all we have to do is wind it often & adjust the settings occasionally.  But, when it is overhauled More

The Source of our Love

Do you remember falling in love?  The Butterflies?  The Nervous Feeling?  The Continual Happiness?  The Thoughts of your New Found Love?  Now, do you remember that fading???  Real love is so much more than the superficial feelings we have when we first fell in love.  Love truly does grow and deepen as we spend more time and discover each other on a deeper level.  Today I want to visit about More

Dear Tech Support

I love technology, but I really do not understand technology.  I so depend on my husband and kids to keep me headed in the right direction:)  Although it may not seem like this is the second part of my blog on More

Opening The Door

My husband has been opening the car door a lot for me lately and I think that is really sweet.  Even when it is so darn cold outside he is opening my door.  I know this is a conscience effort on his part to honor me and to show his love for me.  So, the other day when we were running errands I asked him how he feels he shows love to to others.  It was a really simple answer, not one that I could have answered in such few words.  More

Showing love in February

photo-2This month we’re focusing on ways to show love.  Yesterday, on February 1st we posted our first blog about it … showing love through blueberry muffins.  Showing love is something that is not that hard to do, but does take just a little thought and effort; a little bit of time thinking about someone else and what they love.  Scripture is pretty specific about this topic.

2″Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,”

Philippians 2:3-5a

Nothing.  I am to do nothing from selfishness.  Well, that’s just not going to happen.  And that’s why I need the grace of God so badly.  Jesus is our mediator.  He knows we can’t live up to that standard.  Not living up to that standard shows us our need for a Savior.  There’s no way we can reconcile the brokenness we have with God because of our sin.  So Jesus made the way for us to be brought back to God and to be reconciled in that relationship with Him.  Scripture is pretty clear about that, too.

For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just (God) for the unjust (us), so that He (Jesus) might bring us to God,”
1 Peter 3:18a (emphasis & parenthesis added)

How amazing.  Jesus is the one that bridges that gap between us and God so that we might have a personal relationship with Him.  Okay, okay, I get it, Holly, but WHY are you going off on this tangent when all I want to do is read about how to ‘show love’ to those around me.  Well, going off on this tangent is SUPER important because God is the author and creator of love.  And scripture says that ‘we only love because He first loved us‘.  We can’t know true love or even show or give true love unless we know Him first.  Knowing God in a personal and intimate way is the BEST way to show love.

Do you know Jesus?  Do you have a personal relationship with Him?  Have you acknowledged your need for His redeeming work on the cross? I did that for the first time when I was 10.  Will you do that for the first time right now?  Accept God’s love for you and enjoy a whole new perspective on love this month of February.

Life and Love

Life-and-Love-by-Holley-Gerth-300x300I have recently started following Holley Gerth and I love, love her style, her encouragement and her daily blog.  Since we are writing about love this month, I wanted to share this image recently posted by Holley.  I truly believe God has created us to share love as well as receive it.  God is Love and we are created in His image.  So join me this month in being intentional in your love.  How do you share it in your life?

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